The Unmeasurable Difference!

My anger has to go somewhere!

I can’t direct it at you, because you don’t listen and you try to blame it all on me. I can’t and won’t ever direct it towards them, because it isn’t their fault and they don’t understand. So instead I stew and I stew and let it bubble away until it eats at me and makes me sad.

I am sad for you, because you are missing out. Missing out on the smiles. Missing out on  the laughs. Missing out on the growing up. Missing out on the fun. Most of all missing out on the memories!

I am sad for them because they aren’t, never have been and never will be your first priority. Then my heart breaks and aches thinking about the day they realise. Luckily for them and you, at the moment they don’t have clue. I can’t help wonder though, when it will happen. Will it be next week, when you don’t call like you said you would? Will it be next year, when again they don’t get to visit? Will it be their 18th? graduation? or wedding day? The truth is it could be any or all of those days!  They will go back though, time and time again hoping the next time will be different. Hoping something will change. Wondering what they did they wrong and why you didn’t choose them first. Each time I will be there, to wipe away the tears.

The calls stretch out, sometime going months in-between. However like an abused dog they answer please and eager that you’ve taken time out of your hectic schedule to contact them. They haven’t visited with you for over a year and from this end it doesn’t seem to bother you!! Oh, I remember now, that’s because is my fault! My fault because I want to ensure a stable and safe visit. It isn’t your fault for not being able to provide that.

I am getting off track though! Let me circle back. Today I realised that in your most recent move you were only 5 hours away (compared to 18 hours) from your kids and didn’t think, plan or arrange a visit with them. I can’t even begin to comprehend after more than a year of not seeing them why you couldn’t or wouldn’t make the 10 hour round trip to see YOUR KIDS?

I wouldn’t have even thought twice! and that, that right there is the unmeasurable difference between you and ME!